The Emptiness

The prison lay in the center of the busy city. The stale air that hung about it foretold the gloom. There wasn't anything in it that gave its inmates hope. A cold silence hung about the place.The prison was not real of-course. It was a prison of emotions,thoughts and goals.


The mind has this amazing capability of making it real. The prison boundaries were determined by the limits of fear. The protagonist of this story opened his eyes as he did everyday. He was the sole inmate of his cell.

He sat up and looked around the walls of his cell. He looked confused. Like all men who had lost hope he remembered nothing. He then started to stare straight at the wall facing him.

The damp wall of misery that he stared upon was marked by emptiness. Still he stared at it the whole day like a man who had no will to escape. Outside the prison, life went on as usual. If the inmate had listened closely ,he could have heard the outside life. But he was lost in thought.

What did he think of? Nothing. He couldn't think about anything.

He just kept staring at the dark wall . Like a man who had no soul.


Slowly, the wall started to grow in his mind. Hours turned to days and days to months. The wall soon became a mountain. Still he kept on staring into the emptiness. He was the inmate of his own prison, the one who had no memories.


Years later, even the wall which became a mountain took pity on the inmate.

"Climb to the peak", a voice echoed through the prison.

The inmate was scared,he hadn't listened to a voice in years.

Years of seclusion meant he had forgotten to speak.

"Rise and climb to the peak",the voice kept echoing in his mind.

He clasped his ears with his hands. Still the voice kept on echoing..

The inmate had no choice. He started to climb the mountain.

But he failed. He fell.

He tried again. Still he fell. No matter how hard he tried, he always fell.

Then he gave up and started staring at the mountain again.

But the voice grew louder. It repeatedly asked him to climb.

Finally the inmate had a thought, "I will shrink this mountain", he thought.

The guy took a shovel and started digging the mountain. He would remove a portion of the mountain earth, but it would immediately grow back.

Then the inmate had another thought, "What if my world isn't real?"

Then he looked at the mountain. There was no mountain. In its place stood a black stone. It looked so hollow and was rectangular in shape.

He touched the black stone. He didn't feel anything. He had watched the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey". He knew what it was. It was the monolith.

Monoliths are fictional advanced machines built by an unseen Extraterrestrial species.


Suddenly he tried jumping straight onto the black slab.He hoped it would be a portal to another world, like in the movie. But he crashed onto the monolith and nearly broke his jaw.

Nothing happened. He then tried climbing over the monolith. He succeeded. He looked over the other side.

He saw life. He saw the universe and everything. He learned its secrets. The knowledge affected his mind. He didn't like it.

He climbed down and went back to his prison.

But now he didn't have a  body. If he had tried he could have moved across galaxies at blinding speeds by mere thought.He had been transformed into the Starchild.

The inmate continued his stare at the monolith for eternity.

He just wanted to be in his prison. He didn't care about any aliens controlling him. He simply kept on staring into the black wall.

The Darkness Spreads

The two voices who met twice while they existed, slowly died away.Nameless was waiting. He had been waiting for a name.He had been waiting all his life. Then suddenly he stopped. He got tired of waiting. He took an imaginary pen and started to write things on his mind. He wrote :

"I am nameless. Its not that i don't have a name. Its just that i have a name which means the contrary. That makes me, my own contradiction. I am  a fading thought. A figment of imagination. Which itself remains unacceptable."

"When I was born, i died. When i loved, i hated. When i ate, i didn't. If you ask me whether i exists, i would say no.But that is left to your imagination."

The mind was puzzled. It didn't like Nameless. It didn't like being written on.

So the mind asked Nameless, "Do you believe in love?"

Nameless didn't answer for some time. Then he asked the mind "Would you like to listen to a story?"

The mind didn't like stories.Still it hated being written on more. The mind spoke, "Yes, please continue."



Nameless thus began his story:

Once upon a time in a kingdom far away (its not Shrek's story so don't worry) there obviously lived a king, who obviously had a lovely daughter. The spring season was alive in all its glory. The King announced the annual feast festival. During the royal ball the princess appeared in a magnificent long dress, big and puffy with crowns (that made her head get a headache) with high heels. A soldier standing guard instantly fell in love with her. But how could a mere soldier court and marry a princess? The soldier was determined. He found an opportunity to speak with the princess. The soldier told the princess of his love. The princess replied , "I cannot accept your proposal now. But i will give you a chance. If you would wait beneath my window for a hundred days, I will  open my window to show that i have accepted your love." The soldier agreed.

So the next day onwards the soldier stood guard in front of the princess's palace, under her window.
Everyday he just stood there waiting for the window to open. Ten days passed the window never opened.
The soldier was adamant. Birds sat on his head. He shivered with cold at night, he got sunburned during the day. The rains came, still the soldier waited. The window never opened. Ninety days passes, the soldier became pale as death. The soldier still kept waiting for the window to open. On the night of the 99th day he just left.Just like that.




Nameless thus finished his story and asked the mind, "So why do you think he left?"

The mind was blown. It somehow managed to recover from its shock and replied, "Perhaps he got tired. Or perhaps he understood that love cannot be bought or forced upon someone. But probably the princess was heartless."

Nameless listened to the mind and nodded to himself.

Then Nameless spoke, "I have often wondered whether the soldier realized that the princess could never love him.Perhaps he left because he knew she would accept his love after hundred days since she had given her word and not because she loved him."


The mind was not satisfied with the story . It asked Nameless "Still you have not answered my question. Do you believe in true love?"


Nameless thought for a moment and said "Listen to another story and you shall understand."

Thus Nameless began his second story :

Once upon a time in a place not quite far away there lived a little boy.The boy loved a girl (as usual). But the boy was too shy. The boy never spoke to the girl. The boy felt his heart leap each time he saw the girl. One day the girl went away somewhere. The boy never spoke to her. But everyday he would remember her. He would remember her details. The way she moved . It mesmerized him. Still the boy never spoke to her. He tried to find out where she went. But he failed. Girl married someone else. He never knew.The boy decided that he could never love a girl as he loved her. He missed her. He endured the pain of not seeing her.


The boy became a young man. The young man who was once a boy , was made to marry someone by his parents. He didn't like to be married. He still remembered the little girl he loved. She was his angel. She would always remain.
Years passed , the boy became old, still everyday when he thought about love, he would remember her.
Fact remains that during his last hour, when he knew his time had come, he spoke her name. But none heard.


Nameless thus ended his story and asked the mind, "Did that little boy who grew old believe in true love?"

The mind wondered for a moment and replied, "Not all love ends in marriage. The union of two minds may not always happen through marriage."

“How about an old allegorical play then?”, Nameless asked the mind.

The mind was tired of stories. Still it hated being written on. So the mind communicated its acceptance.

Nameless began his story :

This play took place in the Shakespearean era. I once watched a film of it. It was in black and white.It was named "Through a glass darkly". Still I remember each detail. The play was named “The Artistic Haunting” or “The Tomb of Illusions”.

A man was speaking,

“It’s midnight in Saint Theresa’s chapel. Here I shall meet my hearts desire. Here by this tomb redolent with the smell of death.

Someone moved inside. Could it be her?

I will hide so as not to frighten her.“

A woman appeared. She held a lamp.

“Who are you “,the man inquired.

“I am the princess of Castile”, the woman voice replied.

“Who died in childbirth in her 13^th year”, she continued.

“My husband and beloved master, who was my playmate as a child has turned to other women. “ she said.

“Princess, I love you!”, said the man.

“Who are you?”, asked the princess.

“I cannot speak to just anybody, even though I am dead.”,said the princess.

“Fear not, fair lady.”

“I am ruler of my own kingdom. Small and poor though it may be.” said the man.

“I am an artist.” the man continued.

“An artist?” the princess asked.

“Yes princess. An artist of the purest kind. A poet without poems. A painter without paintings. A musician without notes. I scorn ready-made art, the banal result of a vulgar effort. My life is my work and it is dedicated to my love for you.” said the artist.

“Beautiful words ,but hard to believe.”, said the princess.

“I beg of you ,put me to the test”,the artist pleaded.

“Listen carefully.In a moment I will leave you. When the convent clock strikes 2:00 am ,you shall enter the tomb and blow out the three candles inside.At that instant the doors will close forever and you shall join me in death.” said the ghost.

“An easy sacrifice my princess, for what is life to a true artist?”, the artist replied.

“You thus perfect your work of art and crown your love.You ennoble your life and show the skeptics, what a true artist can do. Farewell my friend. Do not fail me.”, said the princess’s ghost and left.

“I face the moment of ultimate perfection. I tremble with anticipation.Oblivion shall own me and death alone shall love me.”, the artist spoke to himself.

“I will go, nothing can stop me.”,said the artist.

“I am waiting”,a ghostly voice replied.

“Ye devils,what am I about to do?” the artist thought.

“Sacrifice my life? For what?”, the artist thought.

“For eternity?For the perfect work of art?For love?Have I gone mad?” the artist thought.

“I am waiting”, said the ghost again.

“Who shall see my sacrifice?” asked the man.

“Death”

“Who shall gauge the depth of my love? A ghost.”

“and who shall thank me? Eternity.”

“My knees turn to clay my whole body trembles, and my insides run like water.I cannot enter eternity with-“ said the man.

“I shall wait no longer”, interrupted the ghost and closed the chapel.

The relieved man was standing outside the chapel.

He said to himself, “Well such is life. I could of course write a poem about me meeting with the princess. Or paint a picture ,or compose an opera, although it would need a more heroic ending. Oblivion shall own me.And death alone shall love me. Not bad choice of words.”

“Its dawn now. I shall go home to bed.”

Nameless thus ended the screenplay of a portion of the film he had seen.

The mind was silent. The mind now knew the truth. The depth of the reality was affecting it.

Nameless spoke again, "Why didn't i remember this when i had a body?" he asked.

"I hid the memories from you.",the mind replied sadly.

"You truly loved her, I wanted you to escape the pain", the mind said softly.

Nameless took one last look at his lifeless body and faded into oblivion.

The Darkness : How it began

One fine morning on a sunny day two voices were heard to be talking to each other.
Slowly the sun turned dark.

One said, "It begins now..!"

 The other looked confused and asked "What does?"

"The darkness..!"

"What's the darkness?"

"I am .."

"What do you want?"

"Share.."

"Share who?"

"Me.."

"Why?"

"Cause i am the darkness but i am not evil.."

"OK,darkness..what have you been doing?"

"Observing.."

"What?"

"Life.."

"Why?"

"To know.."

"Do you know?"

"I know that, i know nothing.."

"What?"

"I do know that what we do know is nothing.."

"Why are we here?"

"To live.."

"What for?"

"Depends.."

"Why?"

"Its our choice.."

"Why?"

"We decide how we live..i don't think we exist in death.."

"Who am i?"

"Depends.."

"Why?"

"You are who you believe you are.."

"Why?"

"because you are incomplete.."

"Why?"

"Cause..whatever force sent us here..wants us to be like that.."

Thus began the thought that made a revolution in the second voice's mind.

That was the day that those two voices decided that they will travel the world thinking about their existence. It was decided that after years of thought and experience they would share their conclusions to each other.

Years passed the two voices went separate ways. They traveled and thought, they experienced life. They grew old. A person is supposed to become wise when he grows old. They were considered wise. Still the darkness hung everywhere. People grew blind. They couldn't see the darkness. They were living in it.

The two voices who grew old and wise met again. The first started to speak :

"Once a person gets angry, he loses his control. He cannot control his emotions. That is what you hate the most about yourself and others. We all have a certain pride in ourselves. We have a feeling that whatever we do is right. But then we are both correct and wrong at the same time. Nothing has been proven yet. The world is full of contradictions. All we are, actually parasites, created to feed on the resources that appear to be created for the parasites by some scientific phenomena. But still once they find a new home they are ready to shift there, only to feed on those resources and finally die. Eat, reproduce and die."

"Now while you are busy with all the things you are busy with, I am still trapped in that vicious loop from which there seems to be no apparent escape. I wonder if anybody else was in this same situation that I was. You see, I don’t see the truth anywhere. I am constantly in search of it. I hear a lot of unproven fantasies and old wives tales about the truth. But there should be some explanation, some evidence of the proof. I have watched science fiction films to find the truth. But still they aren’t entirely true. Those films are just basic imaginations of the fantasies which drive the human mind. Then suddenly I am here, where I was years ago. At the beginning, just confused .Square One. "

The second voice replied :

"I do partly agree with you. We find a reason for our existence; we want to believe in that reason. Else it’s all futile, we do understand that. Humans can’t seem to know anything about the truth. Only that, we seem to know that there exists a truth. When it comes to the subject of our origins I am highly skeptical. One has to see the proof to believe. There have been so many versions of it, that it’s highly complicated and twisted. What should one believe? Whatever one believes will eventually be the truth for him. Teach a man a lie, make him believe it long enough and repeat it over and over again till it becomes his truth. The false truth. You see the paradox.

I don’t know why I should live on this planet. Still haven’t found a reason for existence. I mean, love? Is that the only reason? What good will it do? Science says universe was created by a ‘Big Bang’ and they keep on finding new things and theories. If nothing existed before the universe, who or what created the nothing? I know I am searching for answers to impossible to answer questions. But I have a feeling if we knew the truth we wouldn’t be here. Hence we find a reason."

The first was impressed by the reply. He said :

"I am what I believe I am. You are what you want yourselves to be. According to Einstein, I, you and the universe are all relative. The ‘dawn of mind’ kept me thinking; what would’ve happened if homo-sapiens didn’t have a mind? No thinking capability! None of this would’ve happened! Now once you remove the logical reasoning capability from your brain, we are nothing but memory systems capable of recollecting past and current occurring events, unable to pin point anything about ‘Why the hell is it happening?’. Were we an exception? Or are we just a beginning? A transformation into something else? "

The second replied :

"There are infinite ways or possibilities for why we were created. None of them makes a difference to our lives. While the rest of the population spends their time drooling over celebrities and sport stars, a small group of intellectuals spend their time thinking. Their logic is this:  ‘If at the end of my life I am going to leave my body and all that I have worked and earned, then why should I work and earn money, materials, fame and respect? All goes in flames or are buried in graves. Show me a god, or a ghost, so that I may believe in it. No it does not work like that it’s all a waste! ’ "

"What if we are just a small universe inside a larger universe like in films? There are a lot of questions and no satisfactory answers. Only thing most humans are interested in is to know about the price of petrol or their salary increments. It doesn’t matter. Whatever shit you do, you are going to die anyway. What if the dinosaurs didn’t die out? What if they were exterminated?  Most of you may not believe in other life forms in space. As a famous joke goes,”The surest sign that aliens exists is that they haven’t made contact with us”. We have been born into a system, not out of it. "

The first started speaking again :

"Parallel universe or a universe within a universe or not. We have practically known nothing or have nothing of practical evidence. We know so infinitesimally small part of the large picture. Yes, we gave a name for this. The fact that I don’t believe in a supreme being won’t do me no harm. If such a supreme being does exist and the being can defy science and if this is proven; then why should I pray to such a being that can defy science and bring back the dead, create order out of chaos? Why would such a supreme being require the prayers of an insignificant human whom it had created? Why pray to a being who can wipe us out on a whim? Praying would be useless. The real concept of prayer is work. The offering you really give to the Supreme Being is what you do. He doesn’t need to be pleased. He is my imagination. "

The second was confused it said :

"If you can't be sure that such a power do not exist, how can you say that it does not exist. I believe you are a good man and mean no harm to humanity. Some of the best humanitarians were non believers. If as you say 'You are what you believe you are' then we have wasted our lives thinking about a question which does not have an answer. "

The first replied sadly :

" I believe that is the final truth. "

Still it remains a mystery regarding the identity of those two individuals. Who were they? Perhaps they were the thought in one mind. Or perhaps they were two different minds.

Are you Listening?

Music for peace

We all listen to music. People like different genre of music. I would like to share with you the little experiences I had with carnatic music.


A decade ago a little boy just over ten years old found himself in a strange place. The day marked ‘vidyarambham’. It marked the end of the ‘Ayudha pooja’. It also marked the beginning of a new year. This was the day that most people who wants to learn new art forms, music etc. starts learning those things. So on that auspicious day, the little boy set out to learn the percussion instrument, the ‘Mrudangam’. It may be noted that prior to this day, the boy had no musical training. The boy did not know what to expect. There was a center nearby which was a promoter of arts and music. It was decided that the boy would learn from there. The boy along with his father journeyed to the arts center. Just as they were about to enter the place, the father recognized someone on the street. The stranger riding a motor bike suddenly stopped. Some words were exchanged and then strangely they went with the stranger to his house. Stranger still, the boy gave ‘dakshina’ to the stranger and he started to learn the ‘Mrudangam’. That little boy was me and the stranger was my master.

It was by fate that I met my master just when I was about to join another center to learn the instrument. My father had known my master long ago. They both learned the instrument from the great ‘Nannu Mashu’ in the 80’s. My master used to live there with ‘Nannu Mashu’ and learn. The gurukula system meant he sometimes bought rice and groceries for his master. After his master’s death, my master started teaching the instrument. Now when my father wanted me to learn, he had no idea that his old pal was teaching. Thus began the musical journey for me.


Now eleven years after that day I feel very amused thinking about those initial days. I have often wondered what would have happened if I had not met my master that day in front of that center. I would have probably lost interest and given up. My father’s enthusiasm was the key. But my sir made me what I am. The first few years are the hardest. But if you have a passion and with hard-work you can master this art. My master was very patient with me. I was a slow learner. But I liked to play the ‘Mrudangam’. First I was curious. Then I started enjoying the instrument. My sir corrected me when I went wrong. He showed me how it was done. But he never gets angry with his students. He showed me the way.

There are different basic styles for playing the ‘Mrudangam’. The Palaghat Bani as it is called is the style created by the great ‘Palaghat Mani Iyer’.This was as a result of a mix of Tanjor and Pudukkottai styles.  My masters master ‘Nannu Mashu’ followed the ‘Chennai Bani’ .So I also follow the Chennai Bani. Another style is the ‘Karaikudi Bani’ by the great Guru Karaikudi Mani. The way this guru plays makes the listener awestricken. Similarly many other styles also exist. All these greats have been a constant inspiration to all the aspiring Mrudangam artists like me.

Guru Karaikudi Mani

My interest never dwindled. All these years I have been learning at my masters home during the weekends. I don’t feel I am an artist yet. I have learned what I was taught. I can now perform at ‘kacheris’, still I have so much to learn. I feel one life may not be enough to understand the complexities of music. In case of the ‘Mrudanga’, the only thing one needs to learn is patience and practice. It usually takes a student 5-7 years of consistent training and practice to perform well. But nowadays people are more interested in competitions than art. Competitions are not bad. They help in the development of an artist. But learning art for competion is not the way. For a person to be a true artist, he/she must be able to express his own self through his instrument.

The first name that comes to my mind when I think of carnatic voacalists is of 'Chembai Vaidyanatha Bhagavather' His rendition of 'Vatapi Ganapathim' and 'Karuna Cheyvan Enthu' are gems of carnatic music.
'Bhavayami' and 'Kurai Ondrum Illai' by MS Subbulakshmi are so enchanting.There are so many great artists in carnatic music and I can't name them all here. There is a solid fan following for carnatic music. The crowds that gather for 'Kacheris' are usually very knowledgeable. The future of carnatic music is stable.


Although I enjoy listening to carnatic music, I also enjoy all types of music. Melodies have always been my favorites. Like most of the people I am also an avid A.R.Rahman fan. Now I am able to understand the difference between good and ordinary music up to some extent. I also respect rock music, but I do dislike hard rock. Hard Rock is just too loud for me. A few years ago I listened to a song ‘Stairway to Heaven’ by Led Zeppelin. Many consider it as the greatest rock song ever including me. This spurred an interest for me in rock music. A couple of years ago I heard a song ‘Hey Jude’, which made me curious. I found out that the song was by an old band called ‘The Beatles’. Then I started listening to ‘The Beatles’. Songs like ‘Yesterday’, ‘Let it be’ made me want to listen to more Beatles songs. I believe the Beatles were successful because they stuck to basics of music. The Pink Floyd songs ‘Another Brick in the wall’ and ‘Time’ are still on my playlist.

Ludwig Van Beethoven

Then came the obsession with symphonies. This was partly because I had an alien friend also obsessed with symphonies. First it was Mozart; I thought I had found salvation. Then it was Beethoven. How can one forget great musical works like 'Moonlight Sonata', 'Emperor' and 'Pastoral'. Perhaps the greatest symphony ever is Beethoven’s 9^th ‘Ode to Joy’ in D Minor. Did you know that Ludwig Van Beethoven was deaf? Then it was Bach,Berlioz and Brahms. The waltz song 'The Blue Danube' and 'Also Sprach Zarathusthra' by Strauss are worth a listen. I have a collection of symphonies now.

Not all things can be taught by the master. One has to learn some things by himself. An artist should have a distinct style of his own. For this an artist should keep on trying patiently.
I have to keep on learning. I am still trying to be an artist.